Wedding Part II: A Groom's Thoughts

I've always wondered what thoughts entered a groom's mind while standing at the altar watching his bride walk towards him. Some show no emotion, like all the cousins and second cousins in my family. Others start bawling like some of my friends. What would I do when my turn comes?

When I was younger I was always able to get out of situations that put me on the spot; I had never liked being the center of attention and I wasn't accustomed to it. It had always been someone else who caught everyone's attention, and so I would usually keep quiet and comfortably unnoticed. But there was no avoiding the spotlight this time around. So I just hoped for the best and strode forward behind the pastor with Goh, my best man, following. But I digress.

My first thought while standing at the altar was,

"Man, it's hot! I'm wearing a tux with a vest and 100 spotlights from the church are literally beaming down on me." How nice for a first thought. I watched the wedding party walk down the aisle and almost had to stifle a laugh; the junior bridesmaids were practically running down the aisle. What's the rush?

Then I saw Richel.

My first thoughts at that point require a bit of explanation to really appreciate their importance.

Our family never went to church and we were never preached to by priests or ministers or pastors on a regular basis. Sure, there was the occaisional wedding where some guy in robes would go on and on about God, but that was it. Some of my friends went to church, which I thought was a complete waste of time. After all, we were brought up with Buddhist customs and traditions.

Later on in life when I was in med school, I met people who later became good friends. One of the nicest people I've ever met, Jack, was always inviting me to attend one of his church functions. One Sunday he was going to sing at his church and I made it a point to attend and give him moral support.

While I sat there listening to the minister or pastor (gosh, I never knew you had to bring so much money to church - they must have passed that basket around 3 times) he spoke a lot about values, attitudes, and ideas that were already very similar to my own, a mentality that was instilled in me from good upbringing. From that time on, I would constantly have discussions with Jack about God and Christianity and what it was like to believe and have faith. But despite all of his explanations, I could never quite understand the whole religion thing. At one time he told me it wasn't about understanding or logic but about faith. Belief without understanding, reasoning, proof, or evidence; faith. It was a connection that I was unable to make, especially for a budding medical student.

As a medical students, resident, and attending, I have always been taught that everything must have good evidence in order for it to be valid. Randomized, placebo-controlled, prospective, multi-centered studies with a significant p-value; show me the proof, where is the evidence. Apply this to mindset to religion and everything falls apart. My biggest quandry was the contradiction between this mode of thinking as a doctor, and taking things on blind faith as a pious man. For years that followed I continued to have religious discussions with Jack, and I went to different churches with different people searching for the same faith they held so dearly and that I, too, wanted but could never find. But regardless of the church, the pastor, the priest, or the people I went to church with, I never "got" it. I saw people cry in church from joy in worshipping God. Again, a concept that I couldn't comprehend. Even during the times I went to church with Richel and she explained things to me, I still couldn't understand. But she believed and had faith, and I saw her love for it (which is one of the many things that I loved about her even though I, myself didn't believe). It wasn't a matter of choice, but of ability.

Like Fox Mulder "I wanted to believe," but no matter how hard I looked or searched I could never find what I was looking for.

That is until I was standing up at the altar, watching my wife-to-be walk towards me arm-in-arm with her brother. For that brief instant, as fleeting as that moment was, I finally understood what this whole God and Jesus thing was about and I experienced true faith. It was as if a light-bulb turned on. Unfortunately, it took so much power to turn this particular light on that it short-circuited and it burned out just as quickly. So it didn't last, but at least I finally experienced the joy of having faith and believing in God (maybe this is why some grooms cry).

But just as quickly as the lights dim and the darkness of night returns as Mulder watches a UFO disappear into the sky, I returned back to my old self, again.

"Alright everyone! Pray a little faster, will ya? We're running 30 minute late!"

Wedding Part I: Xanax, please?

It seems like yesterday when I stood at the altar looking down the steps and down the aisle at my bride-to-be. But it's actually been two whole weeks. Since then I've spoken to Gah who asked when Richel or I would finally blog about the actual marriage so that she could read about our quirky thoughts during the actual event.

It all began the night before during the wedding rehersal. I was riding in the car with Krishna, Roxanna, and Brian. We were scrambling to get to the church on time to meet the photographers and to canvass the church environs for nice places to take pictures. As we were driving towards the church I had to constantly remind myself to calm down. Yes, we were late, but not by much. Only by about 15 minutes or so. But for everyone who's known me throughout residency, I'm punctual if not early 99% of the time. That other 1% of the time I'm late because of external factors that are beyond my control or prediction. And even when I'm one minute late, my heart rate and blood pressure start to rise and I get aggitated.

So you can imagine my state of mind when we were 15 minutes late to the rehersal. Again, I was among friends and it was my wedding we were all there for so I had to exercise extreme self-control.

And as so often happens, even though we were 15 minutes late, no one else was there except for Gah's family. Not even the church coordinator was there so we were stuck sitting outside the church waiting for someone to let us in. This was not happening! But I could see it, already. Everyone was going to be late and we would run over, which was a problem because the rehersal dinner was scheduled right after at a specific time and guests would be arriving at the dinner.

And Murphy's Law becomes effective always when you least want it to. Needless to say, everyone in the wedding party ran a little late, the pastor was late, the church coordinator was late, we were all late and the rehersal ran late. I guess it could have been worse, though; we were only running about 30 minutes behind. But if 1 minute makes me anxious already, multiply that by 30!

It was a prediction of what was to come the following day...

Remember that countless other small details don't really bother me, but tardiness drives me insane. So of course everything else went well, except everyone and everything was late. Groomsmen, shuttle buses for the guests and wedding party, wedding ceremony, tea ceremony, and lion dancers were late at different times all throughout the day. I think I may have ground down another 2 millimeters of my teeth away that day.

Funny. I've heard most grooms are nervous about getting married, itself. I was nervous, but for a completely different reason: I was anxious about everything being late and tardy. But once the reception started, I knew I could finally breathe a sigh of relief. Because at that point forward, there were no other major events where tardiness would have been a major factor.

Lt. Ehren Watada

As you all know, Lt. Watada is the first army officer to refuse to participate in the war in Iraq and from this decision, is now facing the possibility of a court-martial. After first reading the headlines, I thought good for him! But it's not a black-and-white situation as most would think. As a victim of a group conspiracy myself, I can say that Lt. Watada will have a court-martial and he will be found guilty on all charges. It will be unfair, but there's nothing he or anyone can do about it.

Lt. Watada is the first example that I've seen of the thinking soldier, which is an oxymoron. Unfortunately for his situation, it was self-inflicted; Lt. Watada volunteered for the armed services after the 9/11 attacks and wanted to participate in the Afghan war effort. However, he was ordered to go to Iraq. According to the news articles, he was okay with this at first but as he started to do more reading and more research on the Iraq War he refused to participate based on the fact that the American public and army have been deceived. And now he is facing the consequences for his actions.

It is commendable that Lt. Watada is standing up for his beliefs, that he is a thinking soldier and not blindly charging off in to war with no idea why he is fighting. He isn't simple enough to be deceived into fighting and killing for the personal and political goals of a few powerful men in our government.

The unthinking soldier takes his gun and shoots whoever his superior tells him to without asking why. And in Lt. Watada's case, he asked why, found out the answer, didn't like it, and refused to do it. Kudos for him for finding out the truth.

However, he voluntarily joined the armed forces. As a soldier, he should understand the importance of discipline. If everyone in the army did what he is doing, the armed forces would be completely dysfunctional and nothing would be accomplished. He should have considered this before he volunteered for the armed services, not after. In any case, I think his military career is finished, and he's endangered himself and his family. Regardless of what the outcome is, the U.S. government will make sure to make an example of him. Whether it's through official channels in the court rooms or through "mysterious accidents", he'll pay one way or another.

The Devil is one man with a plan, but true Evil is a group of men conspiring to conceal the truth and acts through lies under the guise of justice. (Hey, Mulder WAS right)